hey... ive been thinking alot...
so.. yeah.. firstly or mostly i thought about all my past memories..
ermm how shld i start?.. well..every experience that we have is encoded in our brains...this is certainly true from the day we are born, and many people believe that we also have access to past life experiences. now2 tell me... what is the purpose of filing away all that data? tho we are unaware of it, our unconscious dictates many of our life decisions as our unconscious has access to all of these memories and when we work to bring awareness to the memories that are dictating our decisions, we are able to make conscious choices about our lives.. heh.. ive gt lotsa memorise.. the good one tend to cheer me up and the bad will always remind me to be careful in future..

what about forgiveness? to forgive is divine. it is a trait that we learn from our creator... he has shown us that is possible to repent from our sins and that we can forgive others as well. Forgiveness is more than saying the words "I forgive you".... If you still harbor hatred in your heart this is not true forgiveness....
in order to truly forgive you must put yourself in the other person's place, you must try to understand how they could do such a thing to you... When you understand what has led them to that act, you may be able truly forgive them. and i seek forgiveness to those i've hurt throughout my life.. lets forgive and forget shall we?

another thing that makes me think is about change... yup people change for better or worse..
all of us experience change in our lives... change is the one constant in our lives... there are changes that we look forward too and change that we fear... however, one thing is for sure, things will not stay the same no matter how much we would like them too... when a life change occurs, we have two choices in how to respond to it... we can despair that a change has come and assume that things will be worse, or we can look with excitement at the new possibilities that the change presents...

oh and i smell fear... i don't know what kind of fear it is, and all i know is that fear is a part of life... it is part of the range of feelings that humans experience on a daily basis... in some culture, fear has come to be experienced as negative however, the truth is that fear is a perfectly normal feeling to experience and we would all feel a lot better if we simply allowed ourselves to feel it fully and if we do not, we will have somatic symptoms of fear that are much more painful than simply allowing the feeling to be felt. i think i was just being a GUNDU~ to hv this fear of losing someone i love etc.. haix. or fear to move on? fear to im not sure what. peeeggh~

like i said before.. fear is part of life.. and life is the sum of experiences that we encounter as we go through life and day by day to struggles and triumphs are experienced by all of the world's creatures and as a human beings, when we encounter a challenge, we have freedom to choose of how to react... every decision that we make leads us down another road. we will never come to exactly the same crossroads coz every decision that we make has significance. heh.

oh wells i did type a lot.. that means i really did spend my time thinking and thinking but I've nvr sort all of it.. am i right?

basically im trying to gt myself up and gt my brain function back like the old me..heh.
yes yes let the evil soul out of my body ehk kite? LOL Silly matrep!
ok2..
shall not post too wordy and sad stories anymore ok?
from tomorrow onwards.. i shall start with the brand new me..
ayte till i blog again ppl!

ps: PIG!!!! appreciate all of ur so called "SPEECH ADVICE"... thank you very much! :)))))

- Fina's Back!!!! -

why there's a probz now and thn...
what am i having now?
problems month? wth!

and this goes to lil one...

what happen to us? i would like to know where things went sour. so where did our friendship go wrong? we use to laugh and talk, joke around and sms each other.
i feel like we fought over stupid thing. don't you feel that we created a wall? i believe that it's not right that we got in a fight. worst of all we got in a fight over a silly matter just because im not like what you had expected me to be from the first time you know me.

and im NOT sorry to have said that i hate you last night.. coz u ask for it didn't you?
i hate you for always blame it all on me..
i hate you for always making me feel damn guilty..
i hate you for always starting a fight and end up making me hv a bad day..
i hate you coz you lied to me..
i hate you coz you always ask me to understand you but what about me?
i hate you for saying that i don't care for you when all along it's the opposite!
and most of all i hate you for making me hates you! :(

i seriously need time to think about it as I've had enough of it.

bye!

- Fina -

The constant overwhelming of sadness strikes me at the core of my very being unable to shake what i really feel unable to put my emotions aside. It just feels like my life is a constant lie!
i had my moments when i was sad from time to time and after a while i'd be OK but certain events that have happened in my life prove to much for me to cope and so my sadness remains.
there is no reason for this feeling, the wound in my heart is to deep for healing.. the scar keeps bleeding deep inside as it's bleeding in a place that will always hide.

Trying to figure out how to deal with this constant pain couldn't bring myself to tell my family nor friends of the hurt i had inside. i tried holding on the tears and pain.. not to let it out even tho "someone" from my PC kept on asking me what's wrong and i almost told him everything but in the end i shut my mouth up and sealed it. i am sorry. maybe i am not comfortable talking with you yet.

So i thought of finding a different way to deal with my sadness.

Reaching for a hand..a second chance for someone to help me before its too late..
still no one comes.
this is my fate. i guess.

so i cried.
i ain't joking.
i did cry, cry away with nothing to say, no-one to stop me in any way.
crying for help but nothing comes out,my emotions in fear... emotions of doubt.
Tears to the floor like blood galore.. smudged on my face from wiping the tears... the tears of disgrace. Gasping from pain,from all the years that put me down and searching for comfort but nothing was found. I look to my left.. then to the right. i know that i am alone...
alone in this world.

What a waste of all those dreams, all the wishes and all those tears that got me no where but where i am now? a life of bitterness.... a life so sour~
Not a care in the world i have in my head, my only wish now is that
"i wish i was _____________ "
yes.. that was stupid of me to ever think of it.
i know this breakdown day of mine will come, and it did... today..
i am having a breakdown moment.

after keeping all of this bottled up..
somehow.. someone came along when i really2 need someone to talk to, it never occur to me that you could actually ease a little bit of my so called misery as you always joke around and doesn't look serious. and i know i had made a mistake of giving you the first impression etc.. sorry. lastly i would like to thank you, i really do appreciate it a lot. i will smile and keep on smiling. and yes i know this "miss big ass" can look for you when Mood swing? lolz.

i did told nadz about all of the above. nadz thank you for being a listening ears throughout the years (2yrs ok!). ure really a great friend indeed!

and to my bestie Nor Farah Shah... IMY alot!
wish that we could spend our time like before.
i shall meet you soon ok! :)

for now.. i just need a time for myself.

- Fina-

Not sure what to update.
but lil nad ask me to.
so here's an update lor.

Monday 19 Jan 09:

MORNING:
- i got a new wake up call from "valuables". (6am) but he called me like ermm too early lah. (class start at 10am) so i spend my time watching cartoon while waiting for the time to gt ready. in the end im late for class. (hehehe) coz lil nad's late. ( stupid traffic and driver. haha )

- reach sch... went to make sure all the bridging goes well so i came in class pretty late. (yes mr Hari... i knw.. i knw.. haha) we had to write letters again~

AFTERNOON:
- after BCM it's lunch time, went to check on the bridging, thn eat, thn off to next class which is POM, 2 hours of idk what the hell my teacher's blabbering about.. :p

- after class check on bridging again and then wait for nadz to end class, went to bedok accompany her buy a gift for her lil sis. thn took 30 and home sweet home.

NIGHT:
- eRrrrr i frgt what ive done last nite~ hehehehhe~

Tuesday 20 Jan 09:

MORNING:
- another wake up call from "Valuables" (thank you! tho its erm 10 mins late~ haha).

- POM. boring~ was damn hungry. told lil nad tat i can't think of anythng except FOOD. even whn cher ask me to gv example about this marketing thingy.. i almost blurt out DONUTS!.
wth!!! :))))))))

- BCM was next and it was a two idiotic hours lesson. can't think of anythng as my stomach kept on grumbling asking for FOOD baybeh~

AFTERNOON
- lucky cher let us off early! woooweeeee~ went straight to cafe 1 and had my lunch! yippee~ it's soo SEDAP ok!.. thn we had an hour of nothng to do so we juz slack @ cafe1 and ayu came along.. her class is at 12.30pm... waited for nadz, thn talk crap and play PSP. heee~

- Had this stupidioticuriousity moment with lil nad about the Nursing student walking with their THICK book. which i told lil nad that they look like they are holding two Boxes of KELLOGS CEREAL BOX! ( and we laugh non stop ) :))))))

- oFF to next class which is ETP. nothing much juz discuss about next project thn can go.
go and meet nadz as i've gt some probz to discuss with her.. talk2 while waiting for "Valuables".
nadz said she wanna go vivo.. so i tot of checking out the pet shop. (fave siolz)
but otw to bedok she cancelled the plan. Daaang! Took 30 with "Valuables" and home sweet home again.

- had this craving for OREO!! so when sarah reach home, i went to NTUC and bought OREOsssss!!!! HAHA had a great time having an Oreo Party with sis at home.

NIGHT:
- i dun feel good. :(( too much oreo i tink.. my body heat kept on changing.. cold hot cold hot.. hey make up ur mind pls.. want it hot or cold? ( haha lame! )

- im online now.. but tink i'll go off to LALA Land soon.

ps : Jokes of the day>>>> KELLOGS CEREAL BOX and "Sengau Voice".

** Outzie **

After a breakup, there is a great feeling of loneliness that overcomes us..
for so long, we felt that we were a part of something bigger than ourselves.
suddenly we are left with the realization that we no longer have another to lean on.
the loneliness is overwhelming. We have become used to having someone with us all the time...
we probably made all our decisions together.
to suddenly be alone after intense togetherness is a very lonely feeling.
am i right?

hmmmm~

k that's the first part of lonliness im having now..
the other part is..

when either one of us r lonely.. we go out together had a great time talking,laughing and listen to each other probs, dirty lil secret, gossips etc.
oh how much i miss those time spend together.
yes nadz, we hv nt done that for such a long time u and me.
and this goes to my dearest bestie Nur Farah Shah! i miss you alot!
we hv lotsa things to catch up ok!
and yes i will try to find a day for us ok bestie.. :)


idk.. i juz had this sudden feelings, i told nadz and she too felt the same..
lonely it is.. heh.

- im out -

Hey...
Yup.. been long since i last update my blog..
busy... or juz pretend to be busy i think.. haha

it's 2009 now.. a brand new year..
hope what had happened in 2008 will juz remain in 2008.
my 2008 wasn't the best year of my life..
too much complication, too much politics it's indescribable..
First 3 months.. i was left heartbroken.. aaaawww~ hah! i shld say OUCH! :)
Then there was a time where i stood up and forget every single thing that hurts me,
well it went great but... for awhile till he came back in my life.. was really happy till i found out the truth and this time i force myself to let him go coz he's not worth it.
the song u used to sing for me and all the sweet talk went down the drain.. can't believe that the person i trust and used to love would hurt me this much. haix.
liar liar pants on fire.. i shld hv set ur pants on fire when u came back into my life! peerggh~
and still u've gt the guts to sing that stupid "katahuan" song to me. bowdow.
and due to this i began to hate guys. eh im seriously serious! hehe

Mid of the yr i've met lotsa people.. make new friends and i spend lots of my time with my close friends.. yup.. there's lotsa problems and stress but hey.. i had survived all of it baybeh!
im glad to have friends who understand me and care about me. seriously u guys are the best!
bestfriend too!! tho we seldom meet, we try to at least msg each other. lurve ya fawafa! :))

end of the year.. i've been busy with sch,CCA, Netball training and Mentor.
all of this really filled my lonely days. best kape!

and yup2 made lotsa friends some ok.. some are not..
but nobody is perfect lah kan..
overall.. im totally glad that 2008 was already OVER!

i juz hope 2009 will be a great year for me..
so.. im hoping... and still hoping...
and wonder....

2009.....

izzit bad...

or

izzit gonna be damn great..

ahakz..

shall continue blogging later...

-Finone-